“At one magical instant in your early childhood, the page of a book—that string of confused, alien ciphers—shivered into meaning. Words spoke to you, gave up their secrets; at that moment, whole universes opened. You became, irrevocably, a reader.” –Alberto Manguel

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Sunday, April 24, 2016

Concept Of Leaving

It’s not who left you, sometimes it’s who made you to leave. You may be the one to leave but, to leave when you ain't ready and to accept being called the one who left first is not as easy as people tell. People may tell you left them, but they never gonna take efforts to know what made you leave and even if they know, they may not do much to stop it or change your mind. Some people may just tell you things, they may tell you that they are never gonna leave but what’s more important is –are they ever gonna make you leave?

I believe, be it anyone –if they are not making you happy you gotta walk out of their lives. There’s no use in pretending to be happy when you are not. Let them learn your value after they lose you or if you are the other person, know what you lost and if you really know the loss and know nothing can replace it –do what should be done. We all know, what to do –we just don’t choose to do it. Some losses can’t be compensated, replaced or healed. You gotta live with the hollow spot and it is never gonna get better. You’re just gonna fool yourself, it’s getting better but it is not. It is just out of your focus. 

Don’t tell me time heals it, time is such a misleading concept. Time just increases your tolerance, makes you learn to live with the loss and that is it. Time never heals. For me healing is getting what you wanted or had. If you lost a limb –you can’t expect time to heal it. You ain’t star fish to grow body parts back in place. But with time you will adjust to live with the missing limb. That’s what we do with every loss occurred to us. Loss, such the small word and such a deep concept. Like cactus, small but deep rooted.

We naturally, tend towards easy things, short cuts and less time-consuming process. We need time, for every damn thing in this world. I so want a parallel universe where time is not among one of the dimensions. I remember how my favorite mathematical table was 11. 11x1=11, 11x2=22, and so on.. I mean, we are entitled towards things that are easy. Before we understand what’s easy we pick easy, in our sub-conscious state I guess. 

But thing is you pick easy or tough, you gotta leave. You gotta leave everything you were into, every place you have been to, everything. I don’t know what happens to us when we die, definitely we don’t become stars in the night sky (like in our Bollywood movies). But I know, they give our hospital beds to other patients after we die. But worst of the leavings are when you don't get chance to say good bye. But if you find a chance to say good buy, better find "good" in goodbye.

I really don’t know what is happening to people. I really don’t know, what is wrong. People are so mean, selfish. People tell they care, but they hurt. People befriend but misuse. People commit and still cheat. I don’t know, what happened to the world. I don’t know if God’s there, is God drunk? Probably. Remember Lady Antebellum’s song “I run to you” –“This world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster so I run to you.” I know, you either have mom and dad or don’t. There’s no ex-mom and ex-dad. I have never known ex-parents and I don’t know why all the other relationships can’t be like that. Signing out, may God bless y’all.

P.S. Am going home in May, am so happy about it. Counting days! :)

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Emotionally Slutty

I currently see myself who is in hurry, always. I lack patience, I’ve been impatient and that’s what I tell in interviews when asked what my weakness is. I don’t hide, I represent myself as I am –I don’t want to get hired pretending someone else and that’s why getting job is tough thing for me. Another things is, I have high expectations and I don’t negotiate over anything. You give it or don’t, there’s no negotiation. That’s why I declined multiple offers and got rejected multiple times. 


2 years back I was not this person to write about jobs, rejections, office issues. But as you grow and understand things, you realize all the people you care about –what they’ll think, is worst you can do to yourself. I learnt it hard way to express, anything. Sometimes, expressing is not a good decision and I later realized expressing was not a bad idea, expressing to wrong bunch of people was. And sometimes, I don’t express. I just build a story and kill them in the story.

I grew impulsive –now or never. Now I share a lot of my details to people, easily. I don’t manipulate details, I tell the truth or skip telling. It’s rough, it was hard for people to get anything out of me. But I now believe I reveal things soon, tell things as soon as I can, tell things before I could trust people and sometimes tell things to people before they are even ready to listen. Gah! That’s what emotionally slutty is. You rush things up, you want it fast and easy. I remember, as a kid I wanted to grow fast. Now I want to grow slow or not grow at all. I know, I am not the only one.

All your philosophy, kindness, patience, fades away when you’re mad. That’s what anger does to you. Anything that makes you angry, makes you sad too. People don’t see the latter. Well, people don’t at all. They want it and if they can’t get it from you, they will jump on to others. Wanting becomes constant and people become variables. That’s how world is, and that’s how we respect it now. If you expect otherwise, you’re a cave woman or rather asked to grow up or deserted. 

Lately, came across a post on Facebook –which says, why we don’t commit. Why people don’t stick together, why we are treated like things? ‘Cause, we have options to get it easy way. “N” number of dating sites and what not. But I always believed, I am never gonna order a human online. I am not buying an item to add in my cart and pay for it. And that’s why you’ll never find me on any matrimony or dating site. If you ever find me there, report me (that must be a fake account). 

I hate being emotional, I hate being caught crying. I hate being known weak and all of those things. I hate it. I just write and get it off my chest and that’s why I can never give up writing. You’ll never know when I am sad, that’s how I am. Very less people can find that out and it’s hard to fool them that am fine. It is crazy to want people to understand you better enough that they can tell something is wrong, before you say it. That’s why it is hard to push them away when they ask what happened. I don’t like telling my setbacks and troubles, I don’t like being reminded I didn’t make it either way. 

But sometimes, I just don’t stop. Sometimes I talk, a lot. I hate when people pretend they listening but they’re not. I don’t want a body who pretends listening. Better I tell that to a pet, they are warm and better. I don’t know, people come up to you with their troubles. They come up to you when they have all the options closed. They come up to you to get stuffs and something done. I feel like am a bell girl, people just press it to get things. It is funny when you know they are about to ask a favor and you know you’ll do it anyway. 

I don’t know who’s the biggest fool? But I think, there are still good people there, who will just do anything to make sure you’re okay and I push such people away, ‘cause for me closeness is scary thing. Good people, who do things without anything in return. But trusting is a hard job, it doesn’t come easily. People being nice to me is matter of surprise to me, I wrote about it multiple times –if somebody is nice to me, I am supposed to doubt that and if I don’t find a reason, I just manufacture one. It’s insane, but we all have defense mechanism –ain’t it? I have been elusive and I would continue to be same. Signing out, may God bless y'all.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Insignificant Details

I understand I have to skip certain details, certain vignettes about certain people while talking to certain people. You see, some people just can't entertain insignificant details or something that has nothing to do with them or the situation. I totally understand, some people don’t want to be involved in some irrelevant details and let it grow in their head. I understand it could be difficult to carry when they’ve got theirs to deal with.

But I like it when people share me some insignificant details like how they liked some name and decided that name for their first child. I love people telling me, how at one instance they experienced public humiliation ‘cause of a mishap like spilling coffee over someone or how they walked into a glass door making fool of themselves, I like people telling me how they miss their favorite home food, I love to know how that they love dogs and cats, I love to know how they spill something somehow every time they wear white. 

I love to know how they are crushing over someone but don't want to reveal identity, I love to know how they secretly sing songs their lungs out when they home alone, I love to know how much they love choco chips, I love it when people tell how out of the blue they saw their baby’s first walk, I love to know how much mess their pets made when they left them home alone, I love to know how their wedding dress be like –no matter they have got no idea when is it gonna happen. 

I love to know how their favorite color is blue and everything they pick is somehow blue, I love to know how they can watch a movie over and over again, I love to know people telling me how again they missed to hit gym and other excuses to support it, I love to know how they crashed in a meeting, I love to know people telling how their favorite part of day is evening. 

I love to know people telling me, how it is a task to match their socks. How it is insane to have a straight face and struggle to manage it. I love short details. I love listening how, they met someone in same flight twice while travelling. I love how a flop song is stuck in to their head and they still can’t get it out. I love how people like their coffee. I love to know how they got caught cheating in exam. I love to know how something about them, not everyone knows.

I love such insignificant details, I like the fact that people can trust me a little to share such vignettes and details. I like it when they tell, I wanna tell you a secret and then they tell it. I like them seeking comfort in me to tell how weird they are and how they can make insane moves. I love the fact how certain people share well-kept thoughts and incidents and never regret telling me about it. I love listening to people, I am a talker too once am comfortable enough to talk. 

But sometimes, I love listening. I love to see them express and see how their face changes expressions. I love how they move hands to explain things, I love how they widen their eyes as a sign of wonder or surprise. I love to witness dilated pupil, resting face, relaxed eye brows, tiny eyes when they smile, curve of their lips, face palms when they’re embarrassed, wrinkles when they’re worried. I sometimes, skip what I was gonna say and listen to them or just change topic and bring it to them and let them talk. I love little details, it’s all about it. Small things make it big. Signing out, may God bless y’all. 

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Time Capsule

“Sadness and happiness are like sine curves –the more it goes up, the more it goes down. If you were sad, you will be happy too and vice-versa. Success and setbacks are for people who try. I am writing this as a precious reminder to myself, saved in a time capsule. Struggle has its own flavor –and if something is that easy, I don’t want it. Losing is an art and not everyone can do. Time is a misleading concept and I just don’t want to stop trying. People are gonna judge, worrying about it is an irreversible and non-productive act. If you didn’t get something, that doesn’t explain you don’t deserve it. There could be better things to look after. Slavery of mind is source of poignancy.

Get rid of the people who consume a lot of your happiness and don’t bring out the best in you. People who control you, retard your growth, compare you to others and expect things in return. Help as much as you can, it goes long way. Be a sassy bitch, rather being a fake person. Social dogmas are for those who believe in it, you could break stereotypes as much as everyone else can. Remember, there’s always exceptions and first times.

Setbacks and apologies are not social stigma, not learning from it and repeating the same ones over again is. Fight for values, human rights, anything and everything that represents you. You represent a wide range of people, be someone they look up to. Disappointment is something to accept when you expect it, if you don’t expect it –take action, do what needs to be done and plan your action. God is drunk for people who don’t try. If they say, you can’t do it –show ‘em how it’s done. 

Loss is universal and nothing can replace any loss, time is bitch you know. Worst you can do is to be average, do it good or don’t do it. If you’ve done it average, improve. There’s nothing more inspirational than achieving things hard way. Days are gonna be rough, but good news is they pass. Everything does. Be thankful, to anyone who deserves it. Few things are gift and no one can take them away, dreams for example. Being agnostic is not hating God, it is believing nothing can define the creation and idea of God. That’s not your problem to explain people, let them find a term to explain your concept.

If you’re gonna judge, judge on their intentions. You are gonna meet a lot of people everywhere you go. Some are gonna please you, some not. Some will become friends, some will just pretend. Some are gonna hit on you, some will actually love you. There’s a very thin line, understand that. Some you’re gonna be friends with. Talking about people is such a vast topic, and you’re gonna learn all your life about it. Cut the cords with people lacking moral and ethics. 

Feminism is not man hating, if they don’t understand this let them deal with it. Don’t wear clothes they wanna see you in, you’re not mannequin. But take ideas to improve. If they don’t like your dressing sense, that’s their problem –let them prick their eyes. Don’t change, you’re fine and doing okay. Watch their tone, people are cunning they mean multiple things for a single statement they say. Never let your love for sarcasm to fade away, sarcasm is for people who think and use brains. 

Rap, is for girls too. Don’t stop rapping, they are gonna adjust and they are gonnna start loving it. Well, you don’t need anyone’s approval. Say no to things you don’t like to entertain, like flirting or being hit on. Tell them, not to be out of their little minds. If you dislike people, make sure they know that. People who hurt are not gonna be the ones who can heal in any aspect. Ones who will break it, will be the ones who had it. And it is okay, there’s nothing to regret. Just lessons. 

Make sure, it is their loss to let you go. Be it anything –job, friendship, partnership, deal. Whatever. Remember why you wanted it, before you have thoughts of quitting it. Forgive, don’t hold grudges. You will have peace. Never let go the people who walked in when everyone else walked out. Be that one who walks in for someone too, not that you have to return a favor –just ‘cause that is how you grow. Not everything has a name or term for it, not everything can be defined. You can always rename it as the day and date you felt it like (April, 10’16 for example) and tell yourself, I am feeling like April, 10’16. Please do something about your hair, please!”

Note to my future self, saved in a time capsule. PS: I am gonna read it same day next year. Reminder set!