“At one magical instant in your early childhood, the page of a book—that string of confused, alien ciphers—shivered into meaning. Words spoke to you, gave up their secrets; at that moment, whole universes opened. You became, irrevocably, a reader.” –Alberto Manguel

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Sunday, April 17, 2016

Emotionally Slutty

I currently see myself who is in hurry, always. I lack patience, I’ve been impatient and that’s what I tell in interviews when asked what my weakness is. I don’t hide, I represent myself as I am –I don’t want to get hired pretending someone else and that’s why getting job is tough thing for me. Another things is, I have high expectations and I don’t negotiate over anything. You give it or don’t, there’s no negotiation. That’s why I declined multiple offers and got rejected multiple times. 

2 years back I was not this person to write about jobs, rejections, office issues. But as you grow and understand things, you realize all the people you care about –what they’ll think, is worst you can do to yourself. I learnt it hard way to express, anything. Sometimes, expressing is not a good decision and I later realized expressing was not a bad idea, expressing to wrong bunch of people was. And sometimes, I don’t express. I just build a story and kill them in the story.

I grew impulsive –now or never. Now I share a lot of my details to people, easily. I don’t manipulate details, I tell the truth or skip telling. It’s rough, it was hard for people to get anything out of me. But I now believe I reveal things soon, tell things as soon as I can, tell things before I could trust people and sometimes tell things to people before they are even ready to listen. Gah! That’s what emotionally slutty is. You rush things up, you want it fast and easy. I remember, as a kid I wanted to grow fast. Now I want to grow slow or not grow at all. I know, I am not the only one.

All your philosophy, kindness, patience, fades away when you’re mad. That’s what anger does to you. Anything that makes you angry, makes you sad too. People don’t see the latter. Well, people don’t at all. They want it and if they can’t get it from you, they will jump on to others. Wanting becomes constant and people become variables. That’s how world is, and that’s how we respect it now. If you expect otherwise, you’re a cave woman or rather asked to grow up or deserted. 

Lately, came across a post on Facebook –which says, why we don’t commit. Why people don’t stick together, why we are treated like things? ‘Cause, we have options to get it easy way. “N” number of dating sites and what not. But I always believed, I am never gonna order a human online. I am not buying an item to add in my cart and pay for it. And that’s why you’ll never find me on any matrimony or dating site. If you ever find me there, report me (that must be a fake account). 

I hate being emotional, I hate being caught crying. I hate being known weak and all of those things. I hate it. I just write and get it off my chest and that’s why I can never give up writing. You’ll never know when I am sad, that’s how I am. Very less people can find that out and it’s hard to fool them that am fine. It is crazy to want people to understand you better enough that they can tell something is wrong, before you say it. That’s why it is hard to push them away when they ask what happened. I don’t like telling my setbacks and troubles, I don’t like being reminded I didn’t make it either way. 

But sometimes, I just don’t stop. Sometimes I talk, a lot. I hate when people pretend they listening but they’re not. I don’t want a body who pretends listening. Better I tell that to a pet, they are warm and better. I don’t know, people come up to you with their troubles. They come up to you when they have all the options closed. They come up to you to get stuffs and something done. I feel like am a bell girl, people just press it to get things. It is funny when you know they are about to ask a favor and you know you’ll do it anyway. 

I don’t know who’s the biggest fool? But I think, there are still good people there, who will just do anything to make sure you’re okay and I push such people away, ‘cause for me closeness is scary thing. Good people, who do things without anything in return. But trusting is a hard job, it doesn’t come easily. People being nice to me is matter of surprise to me, I wrote about it multiple times –if somebody is nice to me, I am supposed to doubt that and if I don’t find a reason, I just manufacture one. It’s insane, but we all have defense mechanism –ain’t it? I have been elusive and I would continue to be same. Signing out, may God bless y'all.


  1. The sad truth about how the world operates beautifully explained..I believe there are far too many distractors..the hype around money,those tags and labels the world recognizes..stereotypes,prejudices,superiority and inferiority complexes,inflated egos,doubts,mis-conceptions and what not..the individual never realizes his individuality..he keeps living someone else's life for salary,praise,group-conformity,with mal-intentions and dark motives..time is always drifting past..it's preciousness never realized,the individual never lives his/her individuality.

    1. True that, the thought of "what they'll think" is so overwhelming that it overshadows what be actually are. As they say, be what you are when no one's watching. But we all suffer from this "what they'll think" syndrome, ain't we?

  2. Very true..sometimes when one doesn't want to pretend to be someone else and at the same time,being naturally oneself is simply not allowed by the situation,remaining a mute spectator and a silent observer is a beautiful thing.

    1. Second that, I wish people think more than they say. We were better off kids, better off innocent and better off less materialistic.


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