“At one magical instant in your early childhood, the page of a book—that string of confused, alien ciphers—shivered into meaning. Words spoke to you, gave up their secrets; at that moment, whole universes opened. You became, irrevocably, a reader.” –Alberto Manguel

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Monday, November 23, 2015

I Need To Stop

Couple of days back, while in bed sleepless I had a deep thought or deeper than I should. Thought about things like how I am with people –in front of them or when they are not, about procrastination, about sleeping odd hours, about skipping meals, worrying about something unfortunate if someone close is traveling, not speaking up when I should, giving too much to people who don’t deserve, expectations, giving up when I might be so close to the goal.

I need to stop –my fear of height and speed, my belief that people of my age understand and are mature enough, my thinking of things missing in my life rather counting my blessings, comparison, heart sickening thoughts of how people close to me would die, how people I will meet or met could be harmful, helping those who only gave me excuses, being rude to people who have nothing to do with it –I mean, why to upset people who have nothing to do for what am upset about; but anger and irritation is such a thing –it reduces the power of your thoughts to decide.

Whatever we are up to, just reflects in our actions. A warm person will rarely make anyone feel bad, rather comfort someone cold and offer everything he can. I hate the fact that I have reduced writing and reading. Honestly, I feel stupid. Imma buy a color book and crayons and just color whenever I am not feeling good. I like being busy, I like having things to do, I like seeing my calendar and knowing there’s something to do. Dealing with deciding what to do is annoying sometimes when you have limited options and yet not a single idea hits the mind.

Sometimes, you just wanna go somewhere and people you know aren’t ready to accompany you. That’s when I start to think, why the hell I need people? Sometimes, I think –no, that’s not why I know them. It’s okay if they don’t wanna go. You just can’t force people, and begging is really not being me. I drop that and miss the way I wanted to go to that place.

Yes, I do say no to places I don’t wanna go and so other people have their own choices. I gotta respect that, but honestly I hate when I get a no. I mean who doesn’t wanna go to this place called explorium. Ya, it’s a kids place so? I am God’s kid. Bleh! I hate even more when I am dressed up and they cancel, like what? Make it happen or I am gonna be so mad. I was thinking all this and may be speaking all this to myself too. I don’t tell all these and that’s why I write.

When I tell, I want them to listen and understand. I hate when I am interrupted by irrelevant topics or when someone else jumps in with their story and suddenly the focus is on them and I become like I don’t exist, I hate it even more when people stick their heads in phone and skip what I just said. I feel like, hello am not just moving my mouth –I am actually taking with a voice. Manners are not common, I tell you. And when they realize I was telling something, they say yeah what you were saying –I never repeat, that’s my rule. I just drop that topic. In my mind, I have just murdered them for making me so mad.

I am a good listener, I really listen and wait for them to finish. That’s why sometimes I forget what I was going to say. That’s why people tell me things and when I fail to understand they go mad. Knowing people and understanding them makes them think like I have to understand else it’s an offence to them. Suddenly I become a bad person. Hello, I don't have a user manual or handbook. I have started to believe –not everyone you lose is a loss. I have promised myself, every time someone pisses me off -I am just gonna have an ice-cream. Next time you see me having ice-cream, ask me who pissed me off. Maybe join me in the conspiracy to murder them, literally. When I say murder, I mean make them realize what they did wrong. 

4 comments:

  1. so true.....listening people and a warm unconditional shoulder is hard to find....people have become mechanical....relationships transactional........company these days has become mere numbers......I lament those childhood days.....the rules of social games people play were not understood.....and even strangers in a park could be be-befriended for a walk around......and the crayons and the ice-cream are not bad ideas.

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    1. :) Yeah.. anything that brings comfort is nice.

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  2. Straight from the heart! I too am a good listener and I too hate someone interfering me while I talk something serious. We have a few things in common. The ways of the humans are bizarre. But then I wonder, whether other people would be thinking up irritating stuffs about me? That peaces me out. I was born a diplomatic. Sometimes I hate that too.

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