But, when I read about such people and know their thoughts and find them reflecting my world, they don't seem scary. I somehow restore the belief, world is not that bad. Risk; that is what we should take sometimes. Currently, I am trying the other way. I am trying to break every stereotype I know. Live beyond it and see if life could make more sense. That's so natural to choose things that are simple, we are so fragile that we want things easy. Complications scare us and we do anything to avoid it. I have been thinking a lot these days. All this goes on loop all day long. I can sense thinking in sleep too.
Sometimes, I want to stop thinking but that becomes involuntary. Like now, when I am writing this. I should be sleeping, but I can’t till I publish this on my blog. So, “if” someone calls me cute, it scares me a little. First, it's my habit to doubt a compliment. If someone's nice to me, I calculate all the permutations and combinations of why someone's being nice. I think of reasons till I find one or manufacture one in my mind. I will be restless, till I get one or something that makes me believe; why.
I always knew am not easy, I am complicated. What I have decided is to be more nice with people, be warm to them, understand them better and see if that makes difference. I don’t know, I have protected myself from some unknown threat, but that's not how one should live. There will always be threat, risk, fear and so many things we don’t want. But that’s all there ‘cause we’re alive. “That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” –John Green, The Fault In Our Stars; remember?
I know, there are people in this world who don't want to reveal their true self to everyone. They wear something and behave so hard and cold from outside, maybe that's their defense mechanism; but they are so beautiful and warm at heart that you feel like healing when you are around them. Such people exist –if we can't find one, we can always be one. Gift could be having someone who asks you gifts. :)