“At one magical instant in your early childhood, the page of a book—that string of confused, alien ciphers—shivered into meaning. Words spoke to you, gave up their secrets; at that moment, whole universes opened. You became, irrevocably, a reader.” –Alberto Manguel

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Yet To Be Named

Hey .. Peeps.. :) Some of my friends call me a jerk, they say: grow up girl.. you are still a kid. But I know am not. I mean I am 22 and big enough to take decisions, to go anywhere on my own and can do all those things a 20 something is supposed to do. Why they call me a kid?? I can't figure out why.

They tease me, play pranks with me, call me with crazy names n I laugh it off, I love all it. Now they are busy with their own lives, their own dreams n duties. I miss those days when we used to enjoy a lot. They are happy I guess, they don't contact me now. If they come online on facebook then too they don't reply my chat (except few of my chums). I am experiencing a big change after college life. Time changes soon; it teaches you everything.

Like other girls I am not fond of shopping, yeah!! I find shopping irritating. People shrug their shoulders in wonder pouting out their lips knowing this. It depends on individual, girls can't be labeled shopaholic. I don't carry lots of make-up kits in my bag. Yea!! I know girls carry lipstick, liners, n I donno what (I can't even name them properly). You will find an umbrella, a handkerchief, a pen, my wallet, my few cards in my handbag (like a grade 10 school girl.. lol!!). I carry my cellphone in my pocket 'cuz I write down any good thought I get in my mind randomly, n I randomly click a lot.

I am simple, n love to be simple. I am grounded. That's the way I am. People say: what are you?? Hard to understand you, they say I am different. I say everyone is different in their own way. I donno what they find different in me. Yea I know sometimes my dopamine stops working, n I start behaving like nuts. Lol!! But I find myself as common as others. Let it be. 

I am happy in books n music. I don't flaunt. I don't want to be an arm candy or eye candy. I always say to my friends: why to pretend?? Be real; whoever you are. You will find same Shreya in my home as well as outside, thing that can be different are: my clothes. I donno why people act different in different places?? If you will ask about me among my friends; they all will tell you similar thing about me. You will get same answer from my each friend. 

This world is a mysterious place, again n again I write this line. I donno how many times more I will write it. My friends know me still they ask me what I am?? I say how many times I have to give my introduction?? n we laugh it off. People sometimes make you feel different. People are people, they will never stop talking about whatever you do. But we are same, we belong to same genus. We feel same for same experiences (as I mentioned in my previous posts).

It doesn't matter for me whatever they rename me. I will be me. I won't change myself for others, unless they deserve. May be I sound rude; but now I won't change 'cuz when you change for your friends then after sometime they change themselves, n its not easy for me to keep on changing for them. Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Monday, September 26, 2011

I Don't Know Why?

I don’t know why I keep on thinking about you,
Why this world seems to be brand new?
Why I miss you even if I meet you everyday?
Why you seem so far even if you are a call away?

I don’t know why each dream is about you?
Though I know you ain’t my beau;
Why it feels great to see your text?
Why I save yours and delete the rest?

I don’t know why it hurts when you don’t reply?
Why I get down whenever you say goodbye?
Why I always want you to be with me?
Why I write about you in my diary?

I don’t know why I wait for you to come?
Why all your chats make me feel awesome?
Why are you so special for me?
Why your presence makes me feel happy?

I don’t know why I am afraid to lose you?
Why do I find you in everything I do?
I guess I am in love with you;
n I know you don’t and why would you?

But boy no one can love you the way I do,
Cause no one can write poems for you as I do;
I know all this is like a pipedream,
But I promise I will try and redeem.

~Shreya ♥
                                                                    
P.S. This poem is just a random thought of my mind which I converted into rhyme, please do not copy!!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Whispers Of My Heart ♥

Hey.. Peeps.. :) I am a jerk, stupid, careless person. I heard all these words this morning when I was sleeping n trying to wake up. Daddy was screaming so loudly. Reason: it ticked 9:00 a.m. n I was still sleeping. I woke up quickly just like dogs wake up when you make a hush at them. I tied my hairs, managed my bed n ran to the bathroom. I was saying to myself.. fuck!! again I woke up so late, when am gonna improve myself?? Then I looked up at the ceiling (in despair) n I heard myself saying: what the hell this life has become?? Its not the way I want it to be, never!!

So; again today I got a great lecture (from my dear parents) for getting back to routine. How to explain them, I try but I donno why I don't get up on time. Well losers always have excuses n so I have. I hate myself for this. So today I promised myself; I'll not listen to my I-pod ♫ ♪ till I start getting up at 5:30 a.m. regularly. So by next morning I have to get up early. n I have decided to cook for my sister, yea this is kinda strange. I have never been into kitchen & cooking. I try cooking only when mom is not well or she is off to somewhere.

And yes; I have started washing my clothes on my own, I want to be self-dependent so.. I wash my clothes daily. n I didn't knew how to wash a jeans?? So I uploaded google page, and searched how to wash jeans? I found out n tomorrow am gonna try it. Yes!! Crazy.. no?? Lol!! Google rocks \m/ n I also searched recipe of some dishes. My friends will be shocked reading this. Yea.. They donno this side of me. Ah.. life teaches everything. 

So babes.. you are going to get up at 5:30 a.m. Yea am gonna get up 'cuz I can't live without my I-pod, n as per my promise I won't listen to it till I start getting up at 5:30 a.m. regularly n its a great deal for me. So am gonna make it. I know am learning everyday from life, friends, parents.. n from my every mistake I made in my past.

Whenever I sit alone; I keep on thinking what to do next?? Sometimes it feels like everything is over for me, but then a fleeting thought proves me wrong saying: "no girl this is not you; you can't give up this soon". Whatever seems to be an 'end' is just a 'bend' n there is a long road left to travel n explore. n I use to nod my head in acceptance to this thought n I manage to bring back my long lost hope.

All my posts dealing with my mom-dad is not to make them a villain, they are always my sweethearts ♥. Yea I annoy with them when they try to improve me in a wrong way. Sometimes situation is like they are right in their own way n am also right in mine.. I believe there are conflicts in every kinda relationship n so I have it with my parents (sometimes), but on the other side we enjoy our differences as well. 

I know anger is very distructive element. I now try to be calm.. I don't cry, I don't get angry, I don't scream, I just leave when I meet with such situation. I change my room, I put my self into some work, I never let anger to become my nucleus to rule me. I know these jobless days will be over soon. I will fight for my day to come. I know good things take time to happen and may be that's why its been 3 months to leave college n am still jobless. I still have belief in Jesus, n I know  I am His favourite child n He is wrapping a gift for me. I will wait for His gift to welcome. Oh shit.. its already 1:00 a.m. n I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Reasons

Hey.. Peeps.. :) I was sitting in my room when a thought crept into my mind: Everything happens; happens for a reason. I kept on thinking what are reasons?? Some of us keep on searching for a reason for everything that happens around us. I do search for a reason, n it is really great to discover the reason. But still some mysteries of life are waiting to unfold. Everything is not yet answered, some questions are waiting to be answered. 

There is a big difference between a reason and a concept, people mix both generally. A reason can be philosophical, scientific, aesthetic, cognitive, practical, public, personal while a concept is something related with science, experiments & proofs

There are few things which happens with reason but we still donno the complete reason behind them. Dreams, Magic/ Illusion, Intuition/ Six Sense, Déjà Vu, Meet & Greet for example. Very general things happen around us, we see them, experience them & forget them. Those who get curious about them may find a different side of this world. This world is a mysterious place, I always say.

Dreams:  
What are dreams?? Some of you will answer, the episode we see while sleeping, some will answer the desire we have to get fulfilled. Well both are right in their aspects. Why do we see dreams?? This question is debatable. Some people say the series of episodes we see are real, they happen somewhere in this whole world, n some say they are just dreams n they have no links with reality. Well everything has a reason as I mentioned above. Dreams have their own purpose: may be to make us alive, well I donno the exact reason. Dreams are somewhere the thought of brain. Yea.. we see the things we think about, we see or want to happen.

Magic/ Illusion: 
Illusion
What is magic?? Is it an illusion?? Illusion is something we see but actually it is not the same. Illusions can't be said the disorder of brain. It is the sight which is visible to us in the other way. Magic is nothing, its all about tricks and illusion; quoted a magician. Yea David Copperfield also plays tricks very neatly (his injuries while performing tricks proves it). Here the figure seems like it is moving, but it is still. It happens because of illusion.

Intuition/ Six Sense: 
We all have 6 senses. Like 5 known senses, we all have sixth sense also.. yea it is not activated in every individual. We don't use our body completely. There are millions of inter-connected things in our body, we use only that much which helps us to make a normal living. We people don't realize that we have an extra power. We don't discover. I keep on reading about spiritualism and spiritualism proves that we can do any thing we want. It is possible. We sometimes feel like yes it will happen, it is gonna happen in that way n it happens actually the same: we call it intuition. Intuition is an idea about the future happenings yielded by our soul.

Déjà Vu:  
It is defined as the feeling which makes us feel whatever is happening is already happened before. It happens with us, n we feel like yea it has happened before, n we know the thing going to happen next. It happens with me sometimes, it must had happened with you if you remember. Reason for this: it comes somewhere form our past life experiences.

Meet & Greet:  
We meet different peoples everyday. But why it happens we usually meet people having common interests, similar dislikes?? It is not planned, right?? It happens, when our wavelengths matches. Again all this is the matter related with souls n spiritualism.

I know, it is not enough to make someone understand what are reasons, n why things happen the way it happens. It may sound very confusing to many readers.. but somewhere it connects with reality. I say: go searching reasons, it feels great when we come to know something nobody else knows or known to very less peoples.. Ain't it?? Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Monday, September 19, 2011

A Day Of A Jerk

Hey.. Peeps.. :) Last night in a chat on facebook I asked my friend to join me at post office ('cuz I have to post an application for an engineering job). She said ok, see you at 10:30 a.m at my place (i.e. at her home), I nodded 'yes'.. okay; bye.

I then logged out from facebook, wore my reading glasses n started reading "Time Theory" on a site, yea these days I am obsessed with Time Theory, I read everything I get about it. n I salute Stephen Hawking for proposing it, and am dying to read his best seller book: A Brief History Of Time. I have been searching for its PDF from past 3 days. I completed reading that page around 2 a.m. n then I turned off my computer.

I went to my bed room, checked my phone, set alarm n laid down on my bed. I wasn't sleepy, it was ticking 2:35 a.m. n my I-Pod's battery was gone.. I was like: shit!! I was bore, gazing my ceiling putting my hands back of my head n thinking.. Yea I use to imagine the stuffs I want in my life, it can be any thing. I do two things these days: Either I write or (when I don't write) I think about writing. Sounds weird?? May be!!

I made a prayer n I donno when I slept. I woke up around 5:30 a.m when my alarm rang, I put my alarm off n slept again (I thought I'll wake up after 10 minutes but I slept, I just blinked n when I woke up it was 9 a.m.. I was like: oh fuck!!) I ran to the bathroom. I knew I have to reach duplicate's home by 10:30 a.m. (Yea I call her duplicate, 'cuz we both have same names.. Funny na??)

I then came to know my mom has to go somewhere n it was important to go. It ticked 9:30 a.m. I logged in my facebook account, saw updates n logged out. Crazy.. no?? Lol!! I then took my breakfast, sips of tea n I got ready, locked my house n left at 10:30 a.m. I was searching for a taxi, but all were full, I heard myself saying: shit!! I was checking time on my watch every 3 minutes. People around there were staring at me (especially few guys) as if I am some Alien (I hate it.. argh!!). I ignored. It took 20 minutes to hire a taxi, I was knowing she will murder me reaching so late. I reached there around 10:55 a.m. I rang her door bell checked the time n I screamed.. Oh fuck!! She came, I told her sorry I am late, she said nothing; its ok.. she understands me so well, love her. She is such a great chum of mine. :)

We left for post office. I had to purchase an envelope; I went to a stationary shop asked for it, I asked the shopkeeper: How much?? He showed me two fingers (as a symbol that it costed rupees 2). I paid n ran for post office. Finally reached post office, a long queue, burning sun- sucking all my body glucose, n we: two jerks with no knowledge how to post. I managed to post n finally posted. Ah.. I took a deep breath.. n then we decided to go to some mall. We went there, enjoyed, her friend also joined us.. n we had a good time. :) 

Sometimes I think life fleets so fast.. I keep on thinking about life n it still continues to be a mystery. Ah.. God knows what's it?? I know this post is a complete bore, I know readers will yawn at it, n they will click on the: "Uh.. Hell" button I made below. I just wanted to post this, n here I did. Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Flashback

Hey.. Peeps.. :) Life was just so easy few months back.. Around 3 n a half months passed n my college days gone. I enjoyed my college life n am gonna remember it forever.. When I was in college I never realized it, "those were the best days". But now it feels my heaven was there in benches n lectures.

Writing this post I went in a "flashback", four years ago.. I remember how I took admission in an engineering college n how I came to know that I have cleared the entrance exam. It was the first week of June 2007, the phone rang.. dad was online.. mom received the call. Hello (to dad): n she jumped.. as if I have topped the entrance (Moms are strange creatures, they over-react in every situation). Mom called me: Shreya Shreya.. I was sleeping (but listening loud voices of my mom &sister) (I used to live in my own world n I guess still have my own world). I opened my one eye and tried to listen to mom. Mom: wake up.. I said: lemme sleep 5 minutes more please (as I always do). She switched off the fan.. turn on the lights, removed the curtains (so that all these disturbances wake me up). I woke up screaming.. What?? She screamed in happiness.. you are going to join engineering college.. I was happy n screamed in return.. Yeah!!

I didn't scored great, it was an average (enough to get me enrolled in a good college). I never had interest in studies.. I never wanted to study, I love writing since God knows when.. I started composing "poems" when I was in grade 6. Yea but then it was like so kiddish.. People use to laugh at it; so I decided never to show my poems to anyone.. n since then I write secretly!! Till date I have written 18 poems.. excluding those kiddish ones. 2 published in newspaper- The Times Of India (dated february 24' 03 & march 08' 04) when I was in grade 8&9. I still have saved those newspapers n never show it to anybody.. (To be continued.. -yea I'll continue the story of my write-ups in some other post).

Then next step to get admission in an engineering college was to join counselling. I attended counselling, long queue, lots of documents, registration fee, me and dad waiting for my turn. Ah.. so hectic!! Finally got admission in a college.. I never wanted to go for engineering but still I was happy.. (I donno why- sounds stupid, I know).

First day.. ah!! New place, no friends, boring lectures, blood-sucking teachers. Whole day was hectic, I returned home half dead (tired). Semesters came, gave exams, experienced shocking results. Lengthy assignments, presentations, projects- all this kept going on for next 4 years. Made few friends, enjoyed with them, bunked lectures with them, n these 4 years passed so fast. This post is not enough to explain all that, not even a novel will be enough.. yea I have to write novels in many volumes to describe all this college saga.. lol.

Finally this year I have completed engineering with 73% (mom-dad still complain for scoring this much only). I spent 4 best years of my life hoping for something good.. but it yielded me nothing; no job yet.. n it hurts; no end. Life has kicked me out so many times.. Still I manage to hope for best.. n people wonder how I manage to bring hope. I follow Robert Harold Schuller.

Sometimes I pretend to have hope, n it helps sometimes.. yea. So lets see when opportunity knocks my door. I love posting here because people who read my blog; appreciate it, they understand it. But if I'll say same thing to my friends then many of them will laugh it off or draw some other meaning. 

I have learned so much in these 4 years, life has brought me almost everything- stress, anger, happiness, sorrow, regret, bluff n all. Experienced great professionalism & cut- throat competition. People go mean, cheat, back-stab, hurt, misuse n label all this as professionalism. I got some fair weather friends n pretending friends as well, they don't use to reply my texts now, they text me back when they want some help n I donno why I still help those hypocrites. Its ok. n I know everything is gonna be ok. Cheers life girl!! Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Healing Lies

Hey.. Peeps.. :) Um.. lets start this post with a question. So, here is my question: Do you use to lie?? I know you are saying yes in a mute volume.. Ain't it?? Okay.. for all those who say "yes"; I'll whisper to them: I also do. People use to lie.. some for good reasons n some for bad reasons. Some stumble over truth n pick themselves up as if nothing happened.

So is it a reason that makes people lie?? Or it is circumstances or it is involved in the nature of an individual?? I know this question is quite debatable. I can't answer it this soon. As I always say: "everything in this world has two aspects" 1. Good, 2. Bad. n we occasionally ignore one of them.. may be or may not be like "fool's paradise".

I believe lies have a good side also. Confused?? Lemme explain you with an example (before this example gets lost into the state of oblivion): A girl (age: 5 yrs.) is suffering from "thalassemia" has to go to the hospital every month  for "blood transfusion" n related check-ups.. she don't use to cry seeing a needle now, n gives her arms in hands of nurse before nurse asks her to do so. I was there.. I asked her mother: brave girl, she don't fear needles like other kids?? She said: yea may be.. We have lied to her that all this is to make her grow bigger.. We haven't told her about disease.. we fear to tell her truth. So will the truth make her go emotionally weaker?? I donno; I know a little lie is healing her, making her live.. she finds herself normal as other kids of her age. So, am I clear now??

I also use to lie (to be very honest) but I am sure if I lie then it don't hurt or harm anybody. There is a big difference between "hiding n lying" but some people mix these things. How to detect lies?? May be noticing: Avoidance of eye-contact?? Stammer while speaking or change of voice?? Body language?? Ah.. no!! There are experts in lying who don't ever stammer while lying, they can tell you lies with (even) double confidence n a perfect body language with regular eye contact.

There is a thing called: "micro-expressions" yea it can help you a lot. Paul Ekman: A psychologist who made studies on emotions and facial expressions is an expert enough to detect lies. He can read expressions. His book "Telling Lies" is a must read. It is stated: lies are something related to psychology. (I feel where science fails to give proofs; there comes the psychology).

I feel a lie takes place of "truth" when it is used for some good cause. People may find it absurd, but I feel what is the use of that truth that can cause destruction?? I know still some people will stick with their guns n say: "truth is truth n no lie can replace it". Um.. may be it is a topic of belief.. n it varies from individual to individual.

Secrecy & Privacy: Both are different things n people see it with same vision. Lemme explain you: Secrecy is something you hide n privacy is something you don't wanna tell. Confused again?? Okay have an example, I have read it somewhere: If you watch a porn on internet then it is your "privacy" (you enjoy it n it is not gonna harm or hurt anybody). If you hide your past relationship with your new GF/BF then it is "secrecy" (n it is definitely gonna bring heavy disaster in your life). I guess now I have cleared doubts between secrecy & privacy??

I believe: speak lies, have fun but to that limit where it entertains everybody, where it can assure you that it will not "yield you the future guilt", where it can replace truth in positive output. n if ever lied for something negative; then accept it, improve it before it brings you something you never wanna accept. Never buy the negative things that lies wanna sell you. Live life. Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :) 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Desires Behind Desires

Hey.. Peeps.. :) I haven't slept last night; reason: power cut!! As a result I kept on checking the time n checking my phone if I got any text from my friends..no text.. ah!! When it ticked 5:30 a.m in my watch then I left my bed; dressed n went out for a walk (with my phone).

Oh!! Awesome weather: I heard myself saying. It rained last night n morning was so clean. Trees on roadside were like someone has painted them to new, streets were empty.. few peoples with their pets were strolling, few newspaper hawkers were delivering newspapers, birds singing "dawn chorus" n left their nests to fetch food for their kids.. Ooh.. I love nature!! n few people like me (with sleepy faces) were on road. It was very pleasant to see such a beautiful morning.

I was half-heartedly walking.. I was sleepy but I wanted to walk. So is this my new "desire". Um.. desire?? Really?? I mean desire to walk is the only desire or this desire has some other reason.. Umm.. yes.. it has; 'cuz I wanna lose 7 kgs.. I am 57 kgs in wt. n want get back to 50kgs.. So here is a desire behind a desire.

Perception
We people sometimes make our life so complicated.. we ask for something n later we figure out its not the exact thing we want.. then these kinda situations leave us behind with elements like: blame, allegation, frustration, regret, silent anger, self-destruction.We suffer from "poor decision-making", our perception sometimes lands us in the world of "intense confusion" resulting in inaccurate decision-making n later on yields heart-popping results.

When I logged-in my blogger account 2 days back I found few comments on my last post n I went like: yay!! :) I jumped a little on my chair n shook myself as a symbol of happiness.. So was my happiness due to those comments or because of the reason that I came to know: people liked my post, n few people use to read it??

I believe we all have desires behind desires, n we unknowingly know it somewhere but we never accept it or may be we don't reach there to accept it. I too sometimes (I mean 90%.. lol) go so confused, n take a wrong decision, n pay for it later.. but I know life don't offer chances always.. A single chance changes life n we have to pick that single chance without any confusion.. n am gonna make it someday (hopefully)!!

Desires are the things every individual owns.. n it is really an important ingredient to make life better. (Um.. I planned to write a line that I thought few minutes ago.. Ugh.. I forgot that.) Anyways.. have desires.. live them.. share them.. life is all about it!! Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Piece Of Paper

Hey.. Peeps.. :) This world is a mysterious place; as I usually say.. you can never figure out what's gonna happen over here next.. I wonder on how this world has become like this.. I mean you may laugh it off but I can't believe how "a piece of paper" can tag or label someone??

In this wicked world.. a little "piece of paper" is more powerful  than anything else.. yea.. if you don't believe this then.. how come "a piece of paper" proves someone graduate (even if he has no knowledge about it), a couple married/ divorced (even if they ain't willing to), a land to be owned by someone (even if its not his own), n finally money: just a little "piece of paper" which rules this whole world??

Is it just "a piece of paper" that rules us?? where all that "Gray Matter" gone?? I can't believe how highly qualified professionals employed in "white collar jobs" trust on "a piece of paper".. they just check records on papers, presentations on papers, n information on papers to hire a candidate for job.. why don't they check for their quality by some other way?? n this is how they spend years of their life doing "paper work" in hunger to earn another "piece of paper" (i.e. money) n they are always found desperate to add bundles of such papers (money) more.. that's pathetic!!

Another example of the wonders done by "a piece of paper" is the "print media" yea.. people are so desperate to "fill the columns" of newspapers in order to get famous.. n come in spot-light to be a part of glamour!!

Well, "price tags" are also "a piece of paper".. people hate the most.. I went to purchase a jeans.. the first thing I did was: I searched for the price tag, I found it worth Rs 2399/- n I heard myself saying: oh fuck!! this is too expensive to purchase.. I had Rs 2000/- only :( So I can conclude that "a piece of paper" has power to change decisions as well!! n I must say it can work as a "lethal weapon" :/

Print media also plays games publishing something which people wanna read (to increase their readers; just to make more of "easy money") , no matter if its true or fictitious.. n we too enjoy such headlines with sips of tea during breakfast/ brunch.. ain't it?? I do.. to be very honest!!

Now an example of another irony: Government allows "arrest warrant" against a criminal (ofcourse again on "a piece of paper") n the defense party allows some bribe (money; "a piece of paper") n "grease their palms" n wins an easy bail!

So this is how "a piece of paper" has become this powerful!! n we carry on wondering on the games of  "a piece of paper"!! I hope we learn the things to be valued in correct manner..!! Winding my prose.. may God bless y'all.. :)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

Hey.. Peeps.. :( I had a hard time.. I mean, I donno where to start with. Last night I was browsing internet, I was searching some jobs n reading a biography on other tab.. it was around 1:20 a.m; my mom walked in my room n scolded me so harshly. Reason: why am I using internet so late?? I said what's wrong in this?? she replied behave yourself.. n pulled the "internet device" away n hide it somewhere.. sounds very normal thing. but I never imagined it will turn out something this rude. In morning when I asked for device then it all took a big disaster, I have never ever treated like this before. I mean these are the same people who love me.

Me Vs Faex Populi: 
In morning I woke up with blood-shot eyes; with a lump in my throat. I was scolded for the last night matter again.. This time dad scolded, I asked for the device n again I was scolded.. n they added why 'am not doing any job?? I replied: I am trying but its not happening.. what can I do now?? They said: its the time to choose an option n if you are not gonna do something then leave the home n search job outside. I was shocked!! "Money matters boss" n I donno what's going on.. I know they love me n I love them too.. n I can't leave them like this.. but I never knew they can turn out this rude.

I was speechless. Felt like they have no trust on their dear daughter. All's over for me. Then a tear rolled out my eyes, I quickly wiped it away, n my voice became weak.. I never cry, it has been around a year I cried today. I cry only when there is some big vulnerability, n this was really a big one.. it broke my heart. I was shattered into pieces. All this was the first time n I wish it would be the last one.

Cry Me A River:
I wanted to cry, but I know I can't. I can't cry even when I want to. See tears are also not in my favour. Sometimes I feel like am nothing.. n I guess it is gonna be proved if everything will go like this. It is not a fight which will be end after 12 bouts of 3 minutes like boxing. Its psychological, n moreover emotional. n I know I have no coach n opponent is whole world. I have to spend whole life fighting. 

Marriage?? Not An Option For Me:
I am 22, n people say girls of  my age in rural areas are married, n they have a big family to take responsibility of. I respect every culture n belief but I follow my own. Some people think, it is easy for a girl to survive, she needs to do nothing.. She only has to marry once n her husband will buy her everything. I say NO. Its not easy, I know how girls are treated who are not earning. They have to follow rules that in-laws force to follow them. Their personal life ends n they live a family life with no promises of happiness, un-welcomed n unannounced sacrifices.. I know.. Its pathetic to marry this young. For me its even pathetic to marry ever. 

Don't Say You Love Me:
I know people here are hard to understand.. they are dual in nature, they live two lives: 1. Personal 2. Professional. I know you don't love me, its a crush n I wonder how people label their crush as love. I know it all. I have experienced it, n I better know how to stay away from it. I know they play it like a game, n when they get bore they change the player. They change their bf/gf as clothes.

I don't believe in "Cupboard Love". I don't want "a diamond ring in my fourth finger of left hand, I rather prefer a rose to keep in my diary". I respect real love.. n I know it can be found only in novels n movies. n I know I can never make it. Leave it, no use scratching the past again.

Buy Me Cyanide Mr. Fate:
With all this happened, at that moment I don't wished to live.. So I asked this Mr. Fate (destiny) to buy me cyanide.. I went self-destructive. I was (or I still am??) an optimistic person.. I use to solve problems of my friends.. n today can't solve my own. Pathetic!! Should I hang myself?? Um.. Jump from a bridge?? Push myself infornt of a heavy truck or train?? Or have an overdose of sleeping pills?? Then it blinked: Have "Cyanide". 

A fleeting thought came in my mind to end all this crap, n I remembered: Ending your life is a disrespect to almighty!! Its easy to die, but it takes a great deal to live!! And then I thought: what about my idea of "don't die a copy"?? An author quoted: "You have born different; don't die a copy". n since then I promised: I'll never give up to suicide. But I felt helpless today. I haven't ate anything since morning; not even a piece. I don't want to eat.

Earning Options (If Any):
Few of my relatives advised me to go for a cabin-crew job (did they mean all that wearing a knee length skirt n serve blankets n magazines pasting a fake smile, in aeroplanes??) I don't prefer it. I have done aeronautical engineering that doesn't mean I should go for all the jobs related to airlines. 

Should I go for BPO?? No!! not an option.. then what?? should I dance in bars?? absolutely not!! then?? wash dishes?? No.. Um.. tuitions?? Never.. I can't tolerate kids..!! Ugh.. why I am going so negative.. Uh.. do I have any other option left?? Yea.. what about my idea of "novel". I love writing, right?? Must go for it.

Obsession Fucked:
As I posted in my previous posts, I got a new phone. Samsung "galaxy" (it was a dad's surprise; I donno why n I guess it was the only good thing happened after my B.Tech.). Today I returned it to my dad ('cuz I was upset, n I never expected this kinda rudeness). Before this phone I owned "Samsung Star nxt", I gave it to my dad when I got the new one. So by now I am left with "Nokia 2760": my first phone (around: 3 n a half years old). It is not in condition to use, but still I'll try to use it. 

Photography is my new obsession, I use to click pics from my phone n upload them on facebook. But since now I have returned my phone I can't click pics anymore. I miss my phone. But its ok, somethings are better to be missed. It fucked my obsession.

I just took out the SIM n wrapped in a piece of paper n kept it away.  That time I didn't need to receive any calls n texts. A fleeting thought came: how will my friends contact me, or how will I contact them?? (as I deactivated my facebook account; 'cuz I needed complete isolation) n I replied to myself: let it be.. but now I really need some friend of mine to call or text me to make me feel comfortable.. but I closed that option also (by taking out the SIM).

A Journey To Nowhere: 
Its No-where, I dare not think its Now-here. I lost loads of optimism. "Since I was asked to leave home, I must move on a journey to.. God knows where. I know they don't want me to leave, or may be they want. I donno. May be I am a disgrace to them. I thought, I must pack-up n leave?? No, I can't : I heard my inner-self saying.

Bring Me Back To Life: Being Zombie??
It felt like I am no more alive, I have no life. I just wanna get back to life.. n don't know, how?? Am I gonna be ok?? Looks like am like a "zombie": dead; still brought back to life to live forcefully. Even worse!!

Back To Normal Mode:
I can hope for everything to get back to normal.. I must say I love my family.. I know.. but my dopamine stops working when it hurts.. I am a numbskull, a nincompoop.. yesss!! I know everything is gonna be ok within 2-3 days, they will return me my phone- I know.. they will start loving me as their dear daughter.. but I guess this time I don't want it to be ok.. May be.. 'cuz I really wish to start to do something. 

Help me Lord.. Its really very frustrating.. n I am loosing my grip on life.. umm.. n this post has become ridiculously long.. No one is gonna read this crap; I guess!! Signing out.. may God bless y'all..!!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Dear Me

Dear Me,
I know about every thing happening in your life, n I know everything about you.. I must say you are the only one whose everything really matters for me, no end.. n you were there standing beside me in every kinda phase of my life.. when everyone walked out; you walked in..

Um.. singing a song by Shania Twain: The song is called: it only hurts when I am breathing.. ♫ n here are my favourite lines:
Hope life's been good to you,
Since you've been gone..
I'm doing fine now, I've finally moved on;
It's not so bad, I'm not that sad.
. ♪
I know you don't want anybody who make you somebody!! Sometimes life sucks so hard.. :(

Spending long time thinking about stuffs you want (clinching-unclinching your fist), writing about how things are going on; n how you want 'em to be, debating with I & Me about everything that matters, listening so broken operatic music (n singing 'em no matter how much bad you are at singing), reading best lines you ever wrote (n raising brows in wonder), faking a smile to everything that's connected to you (as a symbol to pretend that everything's fine), fearing about weird phobias (that even does not exist), n cheering with loneliness (even if I am there) are all you are up to these days!! 

After having sensitive sleep the morning becomes beautiful.. but I know every night you have to spend some sleepless hours before you get some sleep, and those hours between night and dawn are so bad.. I donno why your sleep is going so sensitive.. 

Sometimes even a tic of a clock n a drop of water falling from sink tap disturbs you.. Gosh!! I donno what kinda disorder is this?? But its not always.. just sometimes, n those times are hard to live, just imagine no sleep whole night.. sounds weird!! 

But the morning is always pleasant, after listening Charlotte Church's song on your mobile alarm, and listening the "dawn chorus" everything seems to be okay to you.. and that's why mornings are more pleasant to you.. 

But being a victim of a "frantic urban lifestyle" you miss these things many times!! But not a matter girl, everthing has a span n so all these things.. So don't fear about anything that troubles u.. 'cuz am always there to catch you whenever you fall.. so girl; go into the direction of your dreams, n I bet you'll own 'em someday.. :) Signing out.. may God bless y'all.. :)
With Love,
"I"