Saturday, September 3, 2011
Confessions Of A Broken Heart
Hey.. Peeps.. :( I had a hard time.. I mean, I donno where to start with. Last night I was browsing internet, I was searching some jobs n reading a biography on other tab.. it was around 1:20 a.m; my mom walked in my room n scolded me so harshly. Reason: why am I using internet so late?? I said what's wrong in this?? she replied behave yourself.. n pulled the "internet device" away n hide it somewhere.. sounds very normal thing. but I never imagined it will turn out something this rude. In morning when I asked for device then it all took a big disaster, I have never ever treated like this before. I mean these are the same people who love me.
Me Vs Faex Populi:
In morning I woke up with blood-shot eyes; with a lump in my throat. I was scolded for the last night matter again.. This time dad scolded, I asked for the device n again I was scolded.. n they added why 'am not doing any job?? I replied: I am trying but its not happening.. what can I do now?? They said: its the time to choose an option n if you are not gonna do something then leave the home n search job outside. I was shocked!! "Money matters boss" n I donno what's going on.. I know they love me n I love them too.. n I can't leave them like this.. but I never knew they can turn out this rude.
I was speechless. Felt like they have no trust on their dear daughter. All's over for me. Then a tear rolled out my eyes, I quickly wiped it away, n my voice became weak.. I never cry, it has been around a year I cried today. I cry only when there is some big vulnerability, n this was really a big one.. it broke my heart. I was shattered into pieces. All this was the first time n I wish it would be the last one.
Cry Me A River:
I wanted to cry, but I know I can't. I can't cry even when I want to. See tears are also not in my favour. Sometimes I feel like am nothing.. n I guess it is gonna be proved if everything will go like this. It is not a fight which will be end after 12 bouts of 3 minutes like boxing. Its psychological, n moreover emotional. n I know I have no coach n opponent is whole world. I have to spend whole life fighting.
Marriage?? Not An Option For Me:
I am 22, n people say girls of my age in rural areas are married, n they have a big family to take responsibility of. I respect every culture n belief but I follow my own. Some people think, it is easy for a girl to survive, she needs to do nothing.. She only has to marry once n her husband will buy her everything. I say NO. Its not easy, I know how girls are treated who are not earning. They have to follow rules that in-laws force to follow them. Their personal life ends n they live a family life with no promises of happiness, un-welcomed n unannounced sacrifices.. I know.. Its pathetic to marry this young. For me its even pathetic to marry ever.
Don't Say You Love Me:
I know people here are hard to understand.. they are dual in nature, they live two lives: 1. Personal 2. Professional. I know you don't love me, its a crush n I wonder how people label their crush as love. I know it all. I have experienced it, n I better know how to stay away from it. I know they play it like a game, n when they get bore they change the player. They change their bf/gf as clothes.
I don't believe in "Cupboard Love". I don't want "a diamond ring in my fourth finger of left hand, I rather prefer a rose to keep in my diary". I respect real love.. n I know it can be found only in novels n movies. n I know I can never make it. Leave it, no use scratching the past again.
Buy Me Cyanide Mr. Fate:
With all this happened, at that moment I don't wished to live.. So I asked this Mr. Fate (destiny) to buy me cyanide.. I went self-destructive. I was (or I still am??) an optimistic person.. I use to solve problems of my friends.. n today can't solve my own. Pathetic!! Should I hang myself?? Um.. Jump from a bridge?? Push myself infornt of a heavy truck or train?? Or have an overdose of sleeping pills?? Then it blinked: Have "Cyanide".
A fleeting thought came in my mind to end all this crap, n I remembered: Ending your life is a disrespect to almighty!! Its easy to die, but it takes a great deal to live!! And then I thought: what about my idea of "don't die a copy"?? An author quoted: "You have born different; don't die a copy". n since then I promised: I'll never give up to suicide. But I felt helpless today. I haven't ate anything since morning; not even a piece. I don't want to eat.
Earning Options (If Any):
Few of my relatives advised me to go for a cabin-crew job (did they mean all that wearing a knee length skirt n serve blankets n magazines pasting a fake smile, in aeroplanes??) I don't prefer it. I have done aeronautical engineering that doesn't mean I should go for all the jobs related to airlines.
Should I go for BPO?? No!! not an option.. then what?? should I dance in bars?? absolutely not!! then?? wash dishes?? No.. Um.. tuitions?? Never.. I can't tolerate kids..!! Ugh.. why I am going so negative.. Uh.. do I have any other option left?? Yea.. what about my idea of "novel". I love writing, right?? Must go for it.
As I posted in my previous posts, I got a new phone. Samsung "galaxy" (it was a dad's surprise; I donno why n I guess it was the only good thing happened after my B.Tech.). Today I returned it to my dad ('cuz I was upset, n I never expected this kinda rudeness). Before this phone I owned "Samsung Star nxt", I gave it to my dad when I got the new one. So by now I am left with "Nokia 2760": my first phone (around: 3 n a half years old). It is not in condition to use, but still I'll try to use it.
Photography is my new obsession, I use to click pics from my phone n upload them on facebook. But since now I have returned my phone I can't click pics anymore. I miss my phone. But its ok, somethings are better to be missed. It fucked my obsession.
I just took out the SIM n wrapped in a piece of paper n kept it away. That time I didn't need to receive any calls n texts. A fleeting thought came: how will my friends contact me, or how will I contact them?? (as I deactivated my facebook account; 'cuz I needed complete isolation) n I replied to myself: let it be.. but now I really need some friend of mine to call or text me to make me feel comfortable.. but I closed that option also (by taking out the SIM).
Its No-where, I dare not think its Now-here. I lost loads of optimism. "Since I was asked to leave home, I must move on a journey to.. God knows where. I know they don't want me to leave, or may be they want. I donno. May be I am a disgrace to them. I thought, I must pack-up n leave?? No, I can't : I heard my inner-self saying.
Bring Me Back To Life: Being Zombie??
It felt like I am no more alive, I have no life. I just wanna get back to life.. n don't know, how?? Am I gonna be ok?? Looks like am like a "zombie": dead; still brought back to life to live forcefully. Even worse!!
Back To Normal Mode:
I can hope for everything to get back to normal.. I must say I love my family.. I know.. but my dopamine stops working when it hurts.. I am a numbskull, a nincompoop.. yesss!! I know everything is gonna be ok within 2-3 days, they will return me my phone- I know.. they will start loving me as their dear daughter.. but I guess this time I don't want it to be ok.. May be.. 'cuz I really wish to start to do something.
Help me Lord.. Its really very frustrating.. n I am loosing my grip on life.. umm.. n this post has become ridiculously long.. No one is gonna read this crap; I guess!! Signing out.. may God bless y'all..!!