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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

Hey.. Peeps.. :( I had a hard time.. I mean, I donno where to start with. Last night I was browsing internet, I was searching some jobs n reading a biography on other tab.. it was around 1:20 a.m; my mom walked in my room n scolded me so harshly. Reason: why am I using internet so late?? I said what's wrong in this?? she replied behave yourself.. n pulled the "internet device" away n hide it somewhere.. sounds very normal thing. but I never imagined it will turn out something this rude. In morning when I asked for device then it all took a big disaster, I have never ever treated like this before. I mean these are the same people who love me.

Me Vs Faex Populi: 
In morning I woke up with blood-shot eyes; with a lump in my throat. I was scolded for the last night matter again.. This time dad scolded, I asked for the device n again I was scolded.. n they added why 'am not doing any job?? I replied: I am trying but its not happening.. what can I do now?? They said: its the time to choose an option n if you are not gonna do something then leave the home n search job outside. I was shocked!! "Money matters boss" n I donno what's going on.. I know they love me n I love them too.. n I can't leave them like this.. but I never knew they can turn out this rude.

I was speechless. Felt like they have no trust on their dear daughter. All's over for me. Then a tear rolled out my eyes, I quickly wiped it away, n my voice became weak.. I never cry, it has been around a year I cried today. I cry only when there is some big vulnerability, n this was really a big one.. it broke my heart. I was shattered into pieces. All this was the first time n I wish it would be the last one.

Cry Me A River:
I wanted to cry, but I know I can't. I can't cry even when I want to. See tears are also not in my favour. Sometimes I feel like am nothing.. n I guess it is gonna be proved if everything will go like this. It is not a fight which will be end after 12 bouts of 3 minutes like boxing. Its psychological, n moreover emotional. n I know I have no coach n opponent is whole world. I have to spend whole life fighting. 

Marriage?? Not An Option For Me:
I am 22, n people say girls of  my age in rural areas are married, n they have a big family to take responsibility of. I respect every culture n belief but I follow my own. Some people think, it is easy for a girl to survive, she needs to do nothing.. She only has to marry once n her husband will buy her everything. I say NO. Its not easy, I know how girls are treated who are not earning. They have to follow rules that in-laws force to follow them. Their personal life ends n they live a family life with no promises of happiness, un-welcomed n unannounced sacrifices.. I know.. Its pathetic to marry this young. For me its even pathetic to marry ever. 

Don't Say You Love Me:
I know people here are hard to understand.. they are dual in nature, they live two lives: 1. Personal 2. Professional. I know you don't love me, its a crush n I wonder how people label their crush as love. I know it all. I have experienced it, n I better know how to stay away from it. I know they play it like a game, n when they get bore they change the player. They change their bf/gf as clothes.

I don't believe in "Cupboard Love". I don't want "a diamond ring in my fourth finger of left hand, I rather prefer a rose to keep in my diary". I respect real love.. n I know it can be found only in novels n movies. n I know I can never make it. Leave it, no use scratching the past again.

Buy Me Cyanide Mr. Fate:
With all this happened, at that moment I don't wished to live.. So I asked this Mr. Fate (destiny) to buy me cyanide.. I went self-destructive. I was (or I still am??) an optimistic person.. I use to solve problems of my friends.. n today can't solve my own. Pathetic!! Should I hang myself?? Um.. Jump from a bridge?? Push myself infornt of a heavy truck or train?? Or have an overdose of sleeping pills?? Then it blinked: Have "Cyanide". 

A fleeting thought came in my mind to end all this crap, n I remembered: Ending your life is a disrespect to almighty!! Its easy to die, but it takes a great deal to live!! And then I thought: what about my idea of "don't die a copy"?? An author quoted: "You have born different; don't die a copy". n since then I promised: I'll never give up to suicide. But I felt helpless today. I haven't ate anything since morning; not even a piece. I don't want to eat.

Earning Options (If Any):
Few of my relatives advised me to go for a cabin-crew job (did they mean all that wearing a knee length skirt n serve blankets n magazines pasting a fake smile, in aeroplanes??) I don't prefer it. I have done aeronautical engineering that doesn't mean I should go for all the jobs related to airlines. 

Should I go for BPO?? No!! not an option.. then what?? should I dance in bars?? absolutely not!! then?? wash dishes?? No.. Um.. tuitions?? Never.. I can't tolerate kids..!! Ugh.. why I am going so negative.. Uh.. do I have any other option left?? Yea.. what about my idea of "novel". I love writing, right?? Must go for it.

Obsession Fucked:
As I posted in my previous posts, I got a new phone. Samsung "galaxy" (it was a dad's surprise; I donno why n I guess it was the only good thing happened after my B.Tech.). Today I returned it to my dad ('cuz I was upset, n I never expected this kinda rudeness). Before this phone I owned "Samsung Star nxt", I gave it to my dad when I got the new one. So by now I am left with "Nokia 2760": my first phone (around: 3 n a half years old). It is not in condition to use, but still I'll try to use it. 

Photography is my new obsession, I use to click pics from my phone n upload them on facebook. But since now I have returned my phone I can't click pics anymore. I miss my phone. But its ok, somethings are better to be missed. It fucked my obsession.

I just took out the SIM n wrapped in a piece of paper n kept it away.  That time I didn't need to receive any calls n texts. A fleeting thought came: how will my friends contact me, or how will I contact them?? (as I deactivated my facebook account; 'cuz I needed complete isolation) n I replied to myself: let it be.. but now I really need some friend of mine to call or text me to make me feel comfortable.. but I closed that option also (by taking out the SIM).

A Journey To Nowhere: 
Its No-where, I dare not think its Now-here. I lost loads of optimism. "Since I was asked to leave home, I must move on a journey to.. God knows where. I know they don't want me to leave, or may be they want. I donno. May be I am a disgrace to them. I thought, I must pack-up n leave?? No, I can't : I heard my inner-self saying.

Bring Me Back To Life: Being Zombie??
It felt like I am no more alive, I have no life. I just wanna get back to life.. n don't know, how?? Am I gonna be ok?? Looks like am like a "zombie": dead; still brought back to life to live forcefully. Even worse!!

Back To Normal Mode:
I can hope for everything to get back to normal.. I must say I love my family.. I know.. but my dopamine stops working when it hurts.. I am a numbskull, a nincompoop.. yesss!! I know everything is gonna be ok within 2-3 days, they will return me my phone- I know.. they will start loving me as their dear daughter.. but I guess this time I don't want it to be ok.. May be.. 'cuz I really wish to start to do something. 

Help me Lord.. Its really very frustrating.. n I am loosing my grip on life.. umm.. n this post has become ridiculously long.. No one is gonna read this crap; I guess!! Signing out.. may God bless y'all..!!

14 comments:

  1. You seem to be having a hard time at the moment! I hope you find some comfort with loved ones...

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  2. shit!! that really happened... somewhere along the lines i hoped it was a dream and you would wake up by the end of the post.

    22. Cmon! i am 24, still searching for a job and its not easy. But its true. we do have to do something about it. Specially hurts when loved ones try to motivate us in the wrong way.

    Everything will turn out fine. I wil pray.

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  3. @Savira: Yea really.. its a hard time, leaving me so broken.. I hope I could make all this back to normal. Thanks for comment.

    @Freelancer: I wish it would be a dream.. But it all happened.. out of the blues :(
    n job seems to be a mirage.. seems like it is there but when you reach to grab, it just proves I went on a wrong way.
    Thanks for reading this long boring prose n commenting.

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  4. Hey, I read your blog. I don't like it, but I loved it. Ya, I love pain, but I don't want to love it...

    I loved the innocence in your write up. I have lost it in mine. Somewhere, this writeup of yours speaks about me too.

    Sometimes we write so that someone should read, someone should know. But Alas! Our write up always reaches to the wrong audience. However, it's nice to share at least.

    Cant give you any solution to this but will like to read more from you so that I can find the solution myself...

    Thanks for sharing
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Pawan: Thanks for reading, appreciating n commenting. I love writing here, 'cuz this is the only place from where I return back smiling.. :) feels like I own this space n its all mine..

    n I feel there is a solution to every problem.. I know; I go so dumb n weak sometimes, but still I have promised myself to never regret this life.. I know God knows what to give n when to give.. I know God is wrapping some gift for me to send.. I'll welcome every kinda phase with same frequency.. n that's all life is about. Ain't it??

    I would love it if my write-ups can help n inspire somebody. Thanks again :)

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  6. your mom cant be blamed...every other day,shemust be hearing abt some new mms scandal or some random news about someone getting cheated in the net..
    but then,you can also not be blamed ...

    btw can u add e mail feeed/follow option to ur blog so that v dont have to type the blog adddress each and every tym..your blog is oneamong the couple of blogs which i love to read and yet doesnt have a follow button..

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  7. i dont think they scolded u just coz u havent got a job yet...everybody have their own share of woes..see myself,(25) a medical graduate struggling to get thru the pg entrance..in this part of the world,a doc without a pg degree is treated like 'dirt'...! so m also jobless in that way....so dont worry u wil soon get a job

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  8. @Nikhi: Yes.. I know she is not wrong, n neither I am wrong.. its all about damn circumstances.. its just a phase n I know it will pass away soon, but now its ok.. Job is a big question I know.. n am trying for it.. n I hope you too get "pg entrance".

    Um.. my blog has a follow button.. n you are following my blog.. see u are in my follow list n thanks for that.. :) I added follow by Email button 'cuz some of my friends don't have a blog n they wanna follow. Any ways thanks for your comment. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. but for some strange reasons, ur blog post updates dont turn up in my blogger dashboard..thats y i asked yu to add a follow button.neither do i get t via e mail...i should check my blogger dashboard settings then ,i think...

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Nikhi: yea.. check your dashboard settings.. I have checked mine.. It happens sometimes because of some network problems.. I guess.

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  11. Hey Shreya, really felt like reaching over to the other side of the screen and giving you a tight hug. I am really able to empathize with your post, girl. You seem to be a really profound and creative woman with a lovely heart and sound intuition. Writers like you are usually very connected - which means, they get answers from within when they earnestly ask for it.So ask yourself what is it that you really want to do and try hard at whatever you do. Every bad moment will pass. You just need to be brave! :)

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  12. @Sindu: Thanks for visiting & commenting n a big thanks for understanding & encouraging me. Loved your comment. Hugs ♥ XOXO!!

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  13. May this year be the year of change. Work is an important and integral part of life and if it is missing there is this incompleteness within.

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  14. @Beyond: Yea, I agree with you. That was just a weak phase, which has passed away. Everything is okay now and I am looking for my job. Hope I'll get one soon. :)

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